Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you