Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I need this for my side hustle.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

I hope it’s French Onion!

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards