asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.