asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
absolutely not
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
What?!?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
