Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.