Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.