asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
He is just living hist best little life 😊
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.