asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.