Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.