Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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I’m sure it’s fine.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
🤯🤯🤯
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.