asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You Might Also Like
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…