Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?