asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You Might Also Like
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Is this anything
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it