Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth