Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning