Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
You Might Also Like
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..