Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.