Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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