Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Thinking about a snail with a limp

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.