Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.