Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Buck naked
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Tastes like chicken.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack