Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Gods work.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Fights fire with marshmallows
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
lol
