Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’m having an out of money experience.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*lint rolls you awake*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.