Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
President The Rock Obama
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.