Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
It’s a gift
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
A great tip. #CakeRex
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Natty or not?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night