Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers