Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.