asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.