Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You Might Also Like
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Seas the day!!!!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.