Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐