asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.