Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I wish all tests were things you peed on

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer