asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Delightful if true: booby trap.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.