Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.