Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.