asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Lassie, get help!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*