asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.