[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
You know…for fall…
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?