[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
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For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”