[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Fight
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
good work, detective