Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.