[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I feel it
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.