@dafloydsta

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

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@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@kieransofar

me: what’s todays criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

@CelebrityChez

My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE