For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
You Might Also Like
me: what’s todays criminology class on?
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
the only music compact disc i own
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE