[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
all that yoga finally paid off
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.