[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Those are good neighbors.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Straight people are cancelled
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.