Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Pickled cat.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “