Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
