Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??