Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

You have been warned.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.