Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18