Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Why I divorced her.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes