Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket