Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”