Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Seems legit.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.