Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I was up all night reading about insomnia
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this