Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Pat is about to own someone
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
For real 🤣
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car