Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

When they try to steal your moment.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do