Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Spring of Deception

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

😂 amazing answer

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

sigh