(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
marvel comics have peaked
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
every college guy’s fridge
