(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again