(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food