Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Mad Max: Furry Road
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.