Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”