Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Well, this is awkward
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
In banana years, I am bread.