[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”