Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you