[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
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People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?