Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
dream blunt rotation
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”