Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
cyclists
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Worst Native American name ever.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money