Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Good for him.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference