Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
the short answer to this question
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?