Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You Might Also Like
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Customer is always right
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: