Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

Real House Wines.