Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Very problematic
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.