Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

😂😂😂😂😂😂

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

every. time.