Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Merica.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz