Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
How actors in movies eat their food
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
That’s commitment
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.