Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?