Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.