Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…